List of Fig Churches

Um, we're not actually encouraging you to, like, firebomb any of these churches or anything. We wouldn't advocate anything rash or unmellow like that. This list is provided strictly for informational value, and the picture of a pile of ashes that we have next to churches that have already been torched is just a cute li'l decoration. We accept no responsibility for your actions upon reading this page.

Having said that, if the Holy Ghost does inspire you to firebomb one of the so-called Houses of God listed on this page, you should probably go for it. I mean, the spirit doesn't enter you every day, and you gotta go with the feeling, right?

The churches listed below are ones that God is really, really pissed off at. They're the ones that have flouted His will to such an abominable extent that He can barely stand to look at them. They're the ones where figs have been served at barbecues, fig-eaters have been ordained or married in the church, and nobody has lifted a finger to stop it.

God hates these churches so much that when it comes time to give up part of His body to be consumed in the eucharist, He saves His toenail clippings, back hair or navel fuzz for these churches.

First, there's the First Baptist Church of Bearsville, MN. They actually served figs at one of their church dinners!

Good news! The First Church of Christ of Mason-Dixon, GA, was just firebombed! If you hurry, you can still go toast some marshmallows! This church was asking for that fiery fate ever since it included figs in the cornucopia at the Harvest Festival last Fall! Uh... Not that we're encouraging that sort of behavior, of course.

Then, there's the Unitarian Universalist Church of Haw River, NC (Unitarians--why are we not surprised?) which allowed fig brownies to be sold at a bake sale for the church. When the church leaders were asked why they allowed this abomination to take place, they said something fluffy about how we're all really figs, deep down.

The Congregationalist Convolutionist Church of Birmingham, AL allowed a kid to stay in Sunday School even though he had figs in his lunchbox!

The Metropolitan Municipalist Church of Washington, DC regularly allows figs to be consumed during services!

The Last Episcopal Church of Wishy Washy, NJ allowed two fig-eaters to get married in Church! They even let them serve figs at the wedding banquet!

Somebody once went to the St. Sciatica Lutheran Church of San Francisco dressed as a giant fig--and they didn't throw him out!

The Cross Road at Wichita Falls, TX proudly informs us that they have regular "fig orgies" in their pantry and "keep the fires burning!" But not as bright as the fires that await, my friends....

graphics and site design courtesy of zoe rayne