Upcoming Events

People get the wrong idea about us.

They think we're a bunch of fundamentalist stick-in-the-muds who wouldn't know a good time when we see one. That couldn't be farther from the truth.

Just one look at our bonanza of upcoming events, and you'll realize just how how much fun joining the forces of hate can be. People come out of dimly articulated rage; but they stay for the casseroles and human pinata festivals. So here are the events that will make your datebook light up.

On January 28, we're burning the Whole Garden Catalog on Main Street in Topeka, Kansas! This will be followed by a rousing ten-hour denunciation of figs and all their works by our founder, the Rev. Phred!

Then on January 30, we plan a picket at the Happy Orchard, the biggest fig grower in Northern California! The law allows us to gather right up against the gates, making it virtually impossible for employees to get in or out! Bring a bag lunc h and some warm blankets!

On February 3, we're passing out anti-fig tracts on the streets of Los Angeles! Watch people squirm as they see depictions of the horrendous fate that awaits them in the pits of Hell!

Then on February 4, we've found out that the son of Frederick Schmidt, one of the most prominent New Mexico fig growers, is having the Jewish ritual circumcision known as bris. But we'll see how good their aim is when they're being pelted with dried figs! Maybe that knife will slip up and cut more than they bargained for!

On February 9, we're holding our annual dinner dance and fig-burning! We'll feature music by the Sweet Flames of Abstinence Gospel Choir and stand-up exegesis by Jimmy "The Droner" Madison, who plans to expostulate on the entirety of St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians! Prepare for a rollicking good time!

On February 20, we plan to show up at the funeral of Marty Snorter, a television news who once suggested adding a walking fig character to the devil-inspired children's show The Banana Splits! Burn, Marty, Burn!

graphics and site design courtesy of zoe rayne