But Isn't God All About Love?

Bleeding heart liberals sometimes try to confuse the issues by saying things like the above statement. It's a complete smokescreen, of course. Just look at our handy answers below:

1. Who are you people, and why don't you get a life?
2. If God made figs, why does He hate them?
3. But aren't Christians supposed to believe in a loving God?
4. Why do you picket the funerals of fig growers?
5. My child just swallowed a fig. What do I do?
6. What does God think of dates or prunes?
7. Do you believe in figs in the military?
8. Is this site for real?

Who are you people, and why don't you get a life?

We represent the First Baptist Church of Mooksville, TN. We are renowned for our Ol Skool Flava, laying down the kind of heavy duty Primitive teachings that made Cotton Mather go crosseyed. We are practically the only church in the country that still g oes in for vinegar baptism and self-flagellation, although we condemn recreational sadomasochism vigorously.

Basically, we believe that the world is divided into the damned, which almost certainly means you, and the elect, who will be rewarded for a lifetime of unpopularity by spending eternity doing country line dancing. Or something like that.

And we do have a life. We watch Touched By an Angel religiously (no pun intended.) We're known for our witty repartee and our fabulous book-burning parties. But every time we walk into a grocery store and see those awful turdlike Satanic morsels staring out at us from every shelf, our righteous indignation is stirred anew. Think of us as that quiet kid at the back of your fifth grade class who ran the chess club and secretly blew up mailboxes. Except now we're all grown up and moving on t o bigger, better things.

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If God made figs, why does He hate them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably had one of those ugly T-shirts when you were a kid that showed a little boy saying "God don't make no trash." Which is complete nonsense, if you stop to think about it for two seconds. I mean, go to any landfill, and what do you see? God's handiwork, for the most part. Theologians estimate that approximately 62 percent of all waste materials are God-made. Another 30 percent are man-made, and 8 percent are woman-made.

And God made all kinds of things which He hates. Including, but not limited to: snakes, homosexuals, the color mauve, adolescence, late night infomercials, professional soccer, synchronized swimming, Unitarian Universalists, buddy movies involving eith er dogs or chimpanzees, spin-offs of tired sitcoms, rap music, cheese other than cheddar or American, gypsy moths, herbal remedies, Dennis Leary, reggae music made by people who aren't from Jamaica, galaxies other than our own, Dennis Rodman, Tom Selleck and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince.

I think it's something like the impulse to stare at a horrific accident or domestic violence incident. Or one of those real life shows about when animals attack cops. You deplore what's happening, but you just have to keep watching. I once got hooked o n Saved By the Bell, a show I hate. I had to tune in every week just to sit and bellow obscenities at the screen. I never missed it, even though my hatred deepened with each exposure. That's the way God is. He keeps creating these things, even though He really can't stand them. It's like scratching an it ch that you know scratching is just going to make worse.

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But aren't Christians supposed to believe in a loving God?

Ahh. Here's where we get to the heart of your confusion, my friend. That "loving God" stuff is really overplayed, and it's mostly based on the New Testament.

The New Testament God is like David Letterman after he moved from NBC to CBS. Or Lou Grant after the first season of the Mary Tyler Moore show. Or Major Kira after the first season of Deep Space Nine. You see it again and ag ain, on television and elsewhere. The longer these cultural icons hang around, the more they lose the gritty, edgy, dangerous quality that made us love them in the first place.

God's like that. After His first few seasons in the Bible, He started to get all cute and loveable. Started talking about how only those without sin should cast the first stone and "Judge not, lest ye be judged." What a let-down. It really shows that G od should have been canceled after the Book of Exodus, or at the latest the Book of Job. After that, it's all downhill into sickening gooeyness, although He regained a bit of His zing in the Book of Revelation. All that great apocalyptic stuff. But that's like the Babylon 5 finale: it was actually worked out before all the stuff that came before it.

So most people tend to just ignore all of that later stuff, focusing on God in His prime, before the writers got soft. Really, you can just stick with Leviticus, and ignore everything else. That's the blueprint for how to live a happy, well-integrated life.

Glad we could clear that up for you.

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Why do you picket the funerals of fig growers?

By the time an unrepentant minion of the fig conspiracy is being dumped in the ground like so much toxic waste, it's too late to save him. Already, his howling spirit is careening down to the flaming pits of Hell. So why waste breath on hymns and plati tudes about how the bastard's gone to a better place? Better to use the funeral to highlight a few home truths. Some of those attending the funeral may not be beyond saving, if we can just get them to admit their own utter wretchedness and worthlessness. If they read fashion magazines, they already have a low self esteem, which is half of the battle right there.

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My child just swallowed a fig. What should I do?

One word: ipecac.

Seriously, better a little purging than a lot of purgatory. Although we don't, strictly speaking, believe in purgatory anyway. But your little rascal is poised on the edge of the precipice. Even if it's too late to save you, it may not be too late to s ave little Jimmy or Sue. Even if you only suspect your kid ate a fig, it never hurts to induce vomiting.

If you don't have ipecac in the house, the two-fingered method works as well. Make sure your kid understands that it's his own unrighteousness that is hurling forth onto the porcelain rim of the abyss.

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What does God think of dates or prunes?

God is all for prunes. God wants you to be regular. God often thinks that if Isaiah had experienced more frequent bowel movements, he would have been a lot more fun to be around. That goes for most of those old prophets, actually. Jonah went for a whol e month without a dump once.

God's not so sure about dates. The whole homonym thing with the word "dates" as in "dating" makes God really, really uncomfortable. He'd really rather you ate fruits that didn't have any associations with sex. And yes, He's aware that leaves cranberrie s and maybe grapes, if you're not very imaginative.

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Do you believe in figs in the military?

It goes without saying that the military's current policy of "If we don't see you eating it, you don't have to tell us you ate it" is totally inadequate. People have to live in very close quarters in the army, and it can make you very uncomfortable to know that one of your bunkmates is eating a fig. Or has eaten a fig sometime in the recent past. You could be afraid to sleep with your mouth open for fear someone will slip a fig into it.

Our boys in uniform are fighting for the freedom of the rest of us to be as decadent as we want in this great country. Is it too much to ask for them to be kept away from degenerate behavior? (Other than rape, prostitution, hard drugs and violent hazin g, which are normal, healthy parts of the military experience.)

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Is this site for real?

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