Fig-eaters Pledge Fig Money

The fig-eaters are constantly scheming and conniving ways to discredit us and our ministry here. They mock us for suggesting the World Trade Center was destroyed because a temp on the fourth floor was eating fig bars. They ridicule us when we suggest the Holiday Inn in downtown Topeka has been listing to one side because of a stash of fig boxes in the basement. They snort at us when we suggest that the Middle Eastern conflict could be solved with a little herbicide.

Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do. Or better yet, don't forgive them. Just smite, smite, smite until they're ready for the cosmic ashcan that awaits.

But even we have been astonished by the depths to which the fig-lovers have descended this time. They've started pledging figs to hungry children for every moment we picket and protest. They've learned how to operate stop watches, which we had always believed surely must be beyond their comprehension!

Now, when we turn up somewhere to wave our banners saying such witty things as "Eat a Fig, Go To Hell," and "Diarrhea Cures Figs," we find a group of people counting the minutes we protest and promising to feed one or two figs to children for every minute! Then, when we've completed our protest, they alert the media to their chicanery!

But the last laugh is ours -- even by spawning articles about their "pledge drives" and sponsorship, they propagate our message of doom to all fig-munchers for us! And we'll be the ones drinking Long Island Iced Teas in Heaven and laughing down while they are forced to drink Jagermeister in Hell for all eternity!

graphics and site design courtesy of zoe rayne