How To Recognize the Fig Eaters In Our Midst

They're everywhere. They're all around us. The fig-eaters may look like you or me as they quietly go about their sinful business. But learning to recognize the signs of these vicious scumbags may be the only way to save your immortal soul.

So we thought we'd put together a handy guide to help you pinpoint these anti-God elements before you find out the hard way.

First of all, look for people who shake when they walk past a dry goods store. This could be a sign of barely controlled fig cravings.

Second, your average fig eater has a perpetually dry mouth. Look for people who drink lots of water or juice. Or lick their lips when they're not talking about Jesus.

Third, you can tell fig eaters by the secret codes they exchange when they're out in public. They believe in "figdar," which allows them to recognize each other. But they also use a system of winks, whistles and words like "fruit-buddy" and "s eedling" to identify each other.

Fourth, since most fig-eaters are also Satanists, it's also important to look for markings such as bar codes tattooed on their foreheads and pentagrams around their necks. When not eating figs, they may be sacrificing small animals or en gaging in other unspeakable actions with them. Watch for these signs!

Fifth, the fig fiends look unnaturally healthy, thanks to their consumption of large quantities of fruit. If you see someone without the pasty complexion of a decent Christian, watch him or her carefully.

graphics and site design courtesy of zoe rayne