Supreme Court Dances Naked Under Fig Tree

The U.S. constitution has become a collection of fig recipes, wrapped up in an invitation to a fig-eating contest with the DEVIL!

The Supreme Court of the United States has proven that the law is a barren garden where nothing grows -- except for fig trees. It is Satan's orchard. Justices David Souter and Ruth Bader Ginsburg are the tree surgeons in the abominable nursery of evil.

If you doubted the so-called Justices were the minions of darkness, then all doubt should end with their latest ruling that figs can be counted as a vegetable in school lunches. This comes on the heels of many other terrible rulings, such as the recent decision that states cannot restrict consenting adults from eating figs behind closed doors.

You may be reading this and saying, what's the problem? Why should I care if someone else chooses to engage in questionable dietary practices? No doubt, as you say these things, splatters of drool and possibly a few fig seeds are dribbling onto your chin.

But we forgive your ignorance, because God has instructed us to minister unto the little children as well as retards like yourself.

The truth is, we are all parts of the body of Christ. All of us, even that guy at the coffee shop with the bone earrings who looks like he has sea monkeys living in his underwear. Even him. We are all part of our Savior's body.

And that gives us a tremendous responsibility. What would you do if part of your body decided to take the day off? Say your foot just quit on you. It would be like your foot fell asleep, only it lasted *all day*. Or look at it another way -- how would you like it if your ass decided to let go completely and hang down to your mid-thigh like a gigantic bloated leech in mid suck?

With parts like these, it's a miracle our Lord doesn't have a terrible body image problem. Of course, you must remember Jesus walked the Earth during a time when cosmetic surgery, Botox and 24 Hour Fitness were less common, so He probably isn't as hip to the problem of unruly extremities.

So anyway, back to the Supreme Court. Basically what the court is saying is it's OK for millions of people -- all of them skin cells or gall bladder cells in the body of Jesus -- to devour figs, which are as poison to our Lord.

We think Senator Rick Santorum said it best, when he said: "If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to eat figs, then you have the right to gnaw the kneecaps off small children. You have the right to do anything."

Some critics said that the leap from consensual fig-eating to baby-knee cannibalism was the logical equivalent of a bellyflop into a swimming pool filled with moldy jello. But they're missing the point -- it's all a matter of degree. Today the Supreme Court says go ahead and eat figs. Tomorrow, it's open season on your precious child's needful cartilege, without which children cannot walk, run or especially kneel in prayer.

Think on that, the next time you or your loved ones covet the fruits of the most accursed of trees. Amen!

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