We Have Tracts!

In our tireless ministry, we're constantly trying to reach out to those who haven't heard the word yet. So many people haven't yet heard the "good news" that their souls will fry like turnips in lard batter after they die. So many consumers of fig products still believe in their ignorance that God smiles down upon them.

So we here at godhatesfigs.com have come up with a new way to reach those unbelievers who may not have Internet access. We have tracts available in PDF format. You'll need the Adobe Acrobat reader, available at Adobe, to read them. Print or copy them on both sides of a single piece of paper, and then cut the paper in half lengthwise and staple. You'll end up with a nifty eight-page pamphlet.

We encourage everybody to print them out, make as many copies as you want, and distribute them to all your friends. Hand them out on street corners, in airports, at weddings, and in the very fig groves of the mighty. For every tract you distribute, you win favor in Heaven. Doesn't mean you'll get to go there, but they may just not spit on you quite as hard as you fall screaming into the pit upon your no-doubt-imminent demise.

Phred wants to give a huge shout out to true believer Amy Conger. The lovely and talented Ms. Conger lent her time and considerable resources to putting together these pamphlets as a testament to her devotion to the Lord's anti-fig crusade. Fig-haters everwhere owe Amy their thanks and nut clusters.

Rooted In Misery. Heartless "hipsters" seduce a man into eating the forbidden fruit of the fig tree -- but a vision of the roasting depths awaiting him scares him straight!

Seduced Into Sin! Just who are the fig eaters? Find out in this amazingly well-rendered pamphlet, which has the coolest clip-art on the planet! The truth will shock and horrify you!

graphics and site design courtesy of zoe rayne