Figs: The Fruits Of Evil?

9/13/05: A Fig-Seeking Missile Aimed At Your Bowels
God has devised new and greater natural disasters! Soon He will have no more need of hurricanes and earthquakes to demolish the fig groves of iniquity! Heaven's R&D department is developing small tornadoes, no bigger than your thumbnail, that can home in on the small intestine of unbelievers. Any colon that contains fig pulp will rupture so violently that colon pieces will fly out of your ears -- but any righteous fig-abstainers nearby will be left unharmed. Praise Jesus. The device is similar to our super-accurate "bunker buster" bombs that have kept Iraqi death tolls almost non-existent.

9/10/05: God Has Prepared An Ice Cream Sundae For The Godly
With rainbow sprinkles and those scary-red cherries. And maybe fudge. But for those whose diets include the blasted spawn of the cursed tree, there will be nothing, not even one of those nasty tofu ice creams. Even though California's voters approved a ballot measure defining "dessert" as "food containing refined sugar," the legislature has dared to propose allowing the state to serve figs. This shall not stand! They that attempt to justify their diets of sin shall choke on iniquity.

8/13/05: Supreme Court Fertilizes Beelzebub's Fig Tree
The Supreme Court of the United States has proven that the law is a barren garden where nothing grows -- except for fig trees. It is Satan's orchard. Justices Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg are the tree surgeons in the abominable nursery of evil. More...